I catch myself talking to you… waiting for you to say something. I’m wondering if you’re even listening. Maybe it’s my own special way of dealing with the grief I still feel. My smile is like a shield sometimes, hiding my sadness, hiding my fear. I never did get a chance to say goodbye to you.. even if I could, I don’t think I would. No heart-break in the world could compare.. no lovers lost could ever compare. I’m torn between feelings and decisions every day. I try my hardest to do the right thing, but I don’t always succeed. I’ve made so many mistakes through the years.. I know I’ll make more of them eventually. I took for granted all the times we did share together. All those times in the old rocking chair. You have no idea how bad I wish I could be that small child again in your arms. I’m so sorry I didn’t visit you in the hospital more, it was so selfish of me. I just couldn’t, I just couldn’t look at you there in that bed. I hate so much that the last memory of you I have is there. Those tubes in your nose, having to wear those masks, barely being able to wrap my arms around you for a hug. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it. I still remember that phone call in the early morning. You weren’t the first loss in my life, but you surely did mean the most. I do hope some day I can love ANYONE, as much as you loved EVERYONE. You’ve become like my North Star… whenever I feel lost, I look to you to find my home. I wish in life I would have realized how important you were as I found out in death. I really wish you could say something, anything. Sometimes I try so desperately to remember what your voice sounds like. Then all of a sudden like a flood of memories, I remember you singing to me and it’s like your voice never left my ears. When I lost you… was probably the worst point in my life, I’ll admit I cracked… but I never broke. I’m better now, by far a different person. I’d like to believe you’re watching over us all.. I’d hate for you to not see us all grow up and expand our families. I’d like to know if I stumble and fall.. your spirit helps me back up. Makes the lows, not so low. Thank you for that. One thing I’ll never forget are your hugs, especially when you didn’t shave. When your stubble cheeks poked my face. I love you old man…… like I’ve said a thousand times, forever and always.
- Circa Survive